post grad blues

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post on graduating college and moving forward with my life. In that post, I talked about how I wasn’t really sure what I was going to be doing after graduation. There was talk of grad schools and jobs and possible adventure. There weren’t concrete plans, but there was a semblance of one, and it was positive.

Fast forward five months and I’ve been stuck in the strangest limbo.

I knew post grad life would be hard having seen some of my friends struggle, but for some reason, I just didn’t anticipate it bringing me down as much as it has. I’ve always been driven by productivity, though, my family might not agree because I’m pretty lazy when it comes to housework. But it’s true. After attending school for nearly twenty years of my life, I’ve become accustomed to having a schedule -- having something to do.

So much so, that within the past few years, I’ve noticed that I can never just sit and do one thing. I constantly need to be doing two or more things at once. When I was younger, I allowed myself to sit down and read a book in its entirety, with no care as to how long it took me. Now, I feel guilty for sitting down for more than five minutes with a book. I feel guilty if I’m watching a TV show or a movie and not doing something else along with it. I feel like I’m wasting time and should be doing something else. Multi-tasking has been so embedded into me that I can’t tell if it’s a blessing or a curse.

Given that, it’s been rough not having done anything substantial this past summer. I’ve been temping at a company for a bit, but I am in a place where I’m yearning for something more permanent. I want a solid job that will give my life discipline and direction. Who knew it’d be so hard?

Doubts started to form in my head. Was I not good enough for any company? Did I suck at interviews? Did I suck in general? Getting rejected, or more often not getting a response at all, is disheartening. It starts to mess with your self-esteem, really. I’ve felt I’ve been at one of my lowest this past summer, just trying to figure certain things out. One of the main things I’m always asked is -- what is it that I want to do? Truth is, I don’t know! I have goals, but not specific ones and I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing. It doesn’t mean my dedication to something will be any less. I sincerely mean when I say this, but I won’t half ass something and try it out for the heck of it. I’ll give my 110% into everything I do.

Furthermore, it’s been dawning on me lately how hard I have to work every time I want something. It doesn’t necessarily have to mean a job, but so many other aspects of my life. I feel like I’m always putting in the extra work while it just comes so easy for other people. Sometimes, I’ll even put in the work and still not get what I want. It’s not healthy to compare myself to others -- I know that -- but I can’t help but resent the world at times because for once I just want things to come easy. I don’t want to have to compete. I want to have a goal and be able to achieve it without dragging myself through hell and back for it.

Regardless, I’ll always keep trying. I’ll always put my best foot forward and give my all into achieving something I want. It’s been said that nothing ever comes easy in life, and maybe that's something I still need to accept and not be so bitter over.

For a while, I did let myself go and give in to the notion that I wasn’t going to amount to anything. Nothing I want will come easy so why try? But it took the support of my family and friends as well as the belief I have in myself to know that that wasn’t true. I have been in rock bottom and lower. I’ve made it out and I’ve worked too hard to come this far and give up. Everyday I’m trying to chin up and do little things that will keep me in the right mindset. I really hope this positivity and drive will get me to where I need to be soon enough.



“i know it’s hard

believe me

i know it feels like

tomorrow will never come

and today will be the most

difficult day to get get through

but i swear you will get through

the hurt will pass

as it always does

if you give it time and let it

so let it go

slowly

like a broken promise

let it go.”

- rupi kaur